Recently I was talking with one of my friends and they challenged me on the way I had acted earlier. It devastated me because I hadn’t thought there was anything wrong.
I’ve thought it fairly common to think there are things wrong with you. In particular, for me, I noted that I was extremely different from a lot of people I hung out with. There are so many talks that I would hear online or in youth group or in school about self confidence that you almost felt like you needed to feel bad so you could overcome it later. Long story short (and skipping over about 20.5 years of my life…) I had a few things (read: a lot of things) that I did not like about who I was. I sort of forgot the whole “made in God’s image part” and instead felt as though the parts of my personality I had were wrong, and that I would never be able to change them.
It was around this time that I went away to camp for the last summer as a counsellor and found healing from those things I never thought I would. I wasn’t expecting it, but for the first time in a long time I felt loved and accepted for who I was and not for who I was not.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
I was reminded that God had made me – and so that I must be good. It sounds like it was a magical time and I was perfect after that – but it wasn’t. It took over a year from that point to really accept different parts of me and be ok with them. To think that maybe, just maybe, I was good the way I was made. Everything was just fine!
Everything came crashing down. My friend challenged me on an action I had done, but that action related to a huge part of how I had identified myself, and something that I had always thought was good. Could it be wrong? Could it really be that I wasn’t good? It took me a while to process, but then I remembered:
But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”
1 Peter 1:15-16 (cf. Leviticus 11:44-45)
I am called to be more than who I am. Yes, who I am is good, but I am also called to continue to grow and become more of who he wants me to be. And that very well may be changing how I react to things so that others are less likely to be hurt. It very well may be changing and paying more attention to what I say and not just passing it off as “who I am”.
Part of what made this revelation easier to swallow and process was that it was made in the context of someone seeing me as God sees me. God sees me as a beautiful daughter through Christ, and he does want me to grow and learn. I like to think of the times my parents have corrected me – they love me for who I am, but they saw things I could improve on and chose to acknowledge them and push me to work on them. So taking in the things that I need to improve is through the lens of growing – not that I am any less worthy or loved.
I am not called to be stagnant in my development or my faith. I am called deeper. I should examine my life and my actions and continue to hand them over to be consecrated and used for His will. I am called higher.